I'm a bad blogger. I'm not sure what I've been doing that was so important I couldn't punch out a few words online. Heaven knows I'm on the computer long enough every day.
The past six months have been a whirlwind of emotion. My husband, Red, came home one day to let me know he was being deployed. This was not out of left field, mind you, but still not something anyone wants to hear. The thing is, we were never sure of when he was leaving until about a month ago. That's the military for you; hurry up and wait. I've come to terms with that aspect of it, but I will never be okay with sending my husband to a war zone. Eleven days until deployment. Crap.
Awaiting my husband's departure, I did not think it advantageous to visit a doctor about trying to conceive. I want a baby more than anything, but I was afraid the stress of Red leaving would counteract any method I tried. Don't let that fool you however, I do NOT believe relaxing will fix an actual physiological problem pertaining to infertility. I understand the concept of stress delaying ovulation, or stopping it for a month. But even in my stress free days I did not get pregnant.
At this time my follower count is stuck at zero. Go figure, I haven't blogged in over six months. Who wants to stick around for a crappy blogger? But I desperately want someone that understands the struggles of trying to conceive all the while knowing Uncle Sam can throw a wrench in it whenever he damn well pleases, and the people around me haven't been so kind. My thoughts on society and so called friends are enough to scare anyone away.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Another one bites the dust.
Wow. Someone tell me where the time warp came from?! I'm 8 DPO today and guess who showed up this afternoon? The demon herself, Aunt Flo. The day before yesterday there was what I thought was implantation bleeding because I have NEVER started my period in so few days, and it was so light I barely knew it was there. Then there was this afternoon. The cramping started and there she was full force. Who knew all my dignity was gone and I could be reduced to a crying mess stomping my feet in the office bathroom.
10 months, I know it's not a big deal to those who have been trying for years, but when is it going to be my turn? When am I going to feel whole again and stop referring to myself as "defective"? I'm tired of analyzing every twinge in my belly and staring at the toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom. Before I started trying to conceive I never would have believed I would be doing the crazy things I am now trying to have a baby.
My nephew said his first word yesterday, Momma. When will I have a beautiful little piece of myself and my husband that will look up at me with his or her eyes and KNOW that I love them unconditionally? My greatest fear is that my nephew will be it for me. He's beautiful and perfect in every way, but he's not mine.
My twin sister married my husband's first cousin and they do look very much alike, including the red hair as children. So as pathetic as it sounds, there is a baby in this world that looks a whole lot like what my MaybeBaby will look like and sometimes I pretend that he is ours. I love him as if he were, but oh my heart longs for my own.
My husband has stopped asking questions because he already knows the answer. Yes I tested, yes it was negative, yes you have to tonight, I don't care if you're tired. He really has been a trooper through all this and I'm so grateful to have him by my side. I know the world would be a much better place if there were more Reds around, which is why I'm trying to produce one of my own.
So, if anyone knows why my cycle only lasted the normal 28 days this time, please enlighten me. My past 9 cycles lasted 36, 34, 39, 44, 37, 33, 37, 35 and 40 days.
10 months, I know it's not a big deal to those who have been trying for years, but when is it going to be my turn? When am I going to feel whole again and stop referring to myself as "defective"? I'm tired of analyzing every twinge in my belly and staring at the toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom. Before I started trying to conceive I never would have believed I would be doing the crazy things I am now trying to have a baby.
My nephew said his first word yesterday, Momma. When will I have a beautiful little piece of myself and my husband that will look up at me with his or her eyes and KNOW that I love them unconditionally? My greatest fear is that my nephew will be it for me. He's beautiful and perfect in every way, but he's not mine.
My twin sister married my husband's first cousin and they do look very much alike, including the red hair as children. So as pathetic as it sounds, there is a baby in this world that looks a whole lot like what my MaybeBaby will look like and sometimes I pretend that he is ours. I love him as if he were, but oh my heart longs for my own.
My husband has stopped asking questions because he already knows the answer. Yes I tested, yes it was negative, yes you have to tonight, I don't care if you're tired. He really has been a trooper through all this and I'm so grateful to have him by my side. I know the world would be a much better place if there were more Reds around, which is why I'm trying to produce one of my own.
So, if anyone knows why my cycle only lasted the normal 28 days this time, please enlighten me. My past 9 cycles lasted 36, 34, 39, 44, 37, 33, 37, 35 and 40 days.
Monday, May 30, 2011
And this is where the torture ensues.
6 DPO, from what I've read this is about as early as the egg can implant. So of course I'm going to start noticing every pinch and twinge from my nether regions. I'm sure it will all end in a trash can full of BFNs and me buying something new because I'm sad.
Red and I drove home this weekend, which is about five hours away from the base where we live. We stayed at my in-law's house where I was bombarded once again with questions about when I'm going to give them grandchildren. I was showing my MIL pictures of my 8 month old nephew and gushing over his fat cheeks and chub legs. Her response was, "Well, why don't you just have one of your own? It's that easy!" I wanted to throw up because no, it's not that easy. At least not for me and not for the countless other people I've ran into over the internet that are having trouble with infertility.
Trust me, if baby dancing during your fertile window always resulted in a baby, I'd put Octomom to shame.
Red and I drove home this weekend, which is about five hours away from the base where we live. We stayed at my in-law's house where I was bombarded once again with questions about when I'm going to give them grandchildren. I was showing my MIL pictures of my 8 month old nephew and gushing over his fat cheeks and chub legs. Her response was, "Well, why don't you just have one of your own? It's that easy!" I wanted to throw up because no, it's not that easy. At least not for me and not for the countless other people I've ran into over the internet that are having trouble with infertility.
Trust me, if baby dancing during your fertile window always resulted in a baby, I'd put Octomom to shame.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Tangents
It's amazing the tracks your mind takes when you're stressed. Today while at work, obviously working very hard, I was browsing through blogs and normally I'll skip to the very first post. One blog caught my attention so I spent the next few minutes browsing and noticed that in one of the posts she found out she was pregnant. Of course! I thought to myself, everyone else is pregnant, why not some random person I found on the Internet. I continued to read thinking to myself how some people take for granted the miracles they are handed. Then I came to the post where she gave birth to a stillborn baby at 36 weeks. I felt about as tall as a Ritz cracker.
This woman had loved her child and carried her child for eight months in her body just to leave the hospital without her precious daughter in her arms. She linked to another website where I spent the next hour reading people's stories about the babies they had lost. It's all such a taboo subject and no one likes to talk about losing a baby or infertility.
And I am in no way, shape, or form trying to negate that these women hurt, and I mean they hurt like hell trying to overcome their loss. But for me every single month when I see that big fat negative, my heart sinks. I cry, I pray and then I have to get back up and oooh and aaahhh over every newborn baby I see, because to people who have never experienced infertility, I've never suffered a loss and my pain isn't proportional to what others go through.
I did, however, get the closest thing to a positive I've seen on my OPK today. So obviously, tonight Red and I will baby dance with less enthusiasm than we did a year ago. "Clinical and timed" just isn't as much fun as "middle of the day and spontaneous". Then comes the dreaded two week wait. Or it could be three weeks, maybe even four. My cycles are horribly irregular.
This woman had loved her child and carried her child for eight months in her body just to leave the hospital without her precious daughter in her arms. She linked to another website where I spent the next hour reading people's stories about the babies they had lost. It's all such a taboo subject and no one likes to talk about losing a baby or infertility.
And I am in no way, shape, or form trying to negate that these women hurt, and I mean they hurt like hell trying to overcome their loss. But for me every single month when I see that big fat negative, my heart sinks. I cry, I pray and then I have to get back up and oooh and aaahhh over every newborn baby I see, because to people who have never experienced infertility, I've never suffered a loss and my pain isn't proportional to what others go through.
I did, however, get the closest thing to a positive I've seen on my OPK today. So obviously, tonight Red and I will baby dance with less enthusiasm than we did a year ago. "Clinical and timed" just isn't as much fun as "middle of the day and spontaneous". Then comes the dreaded two week wait. Or it could be three weeks, maybe even four. My cycles are horribly irregular.
Friday, May 20, 2011
What's wrong with me?
My medical history doesn't suck, but it's not that great. I've had hypothyroidism since I was 18 years old and have always taken my Synthroid religiously but I've still gained 80 pounds, grrr. I've tried everything short of lap band and I'm still a chubster. Flub flub flub. My thyroid makes my metabolism pretty much non existent, and I can't exercise a huge amount because my asthma makes me gasp for breath like I'm breathing through a swizzle straw.
I had this blind happiness at the beginning of trying that has dwindled with each big fat negative, and no, I never ever wait until the day my period is supposed to start. I'm a masochist like that. I have depleted my webmd skills trying to pin point a diagnosis. My doctor won't see me until I've tried to conceive for a year. Military insurance is great, it really is; everything is paid for, but their time lines suuuuck.
I've pretty much decided that I've got PCOS because I have all the symptoms. Like I said in a previous post, I don't think I ovulate because of my temperatures and my stupid little pee sticks are always negative for ovulation. I've even got the darker patches of skin on the back of my neck that are indicative of insulin resistance and freakin hair growing under my chin. Why does that happen and why do I have to rip cold wax strips off my chin every week? BOOO.
My periods are horrible, like cry in bed with an electric blanket shoving pain pills down my throat missing a day of work horrible. As far as I remember they've always been like that. I've already made the year appointment hoping that I won't need it, but I'm sure that I will.
So, the question that keeps rambling in my head, what the hell is wrong with me?
I had this blind happiness at the beginning of trying that has dwindled with each big fat negative, and no, I never ever wait until the day my period is supposed to start. I'm a masochist like that. I have depleted my webmd skills trying to pin point a diagnosis. My doctor won't see me until I've tried to conceive for a year. Military insurance is great, it really is; everything is paid for, but their time lines suuuuck.
I've pretty much decided that I've got PCOS because I have all the symptoms. Like I said in a previous post, I don't think I ovulate because of my temperatures and my stupid little pee sticks are always negative for ovulation. I've even got the darker patches of skin on the back of my neck that are indicative of insulin resistance and freakin hair growing under my chin. Why does that happen and why do I have to rip cold wax strips off my chin every week? BOOO.
My periods are horrible, like cry in bed with an electric blanket shoving pain pills down my throat missing a day of work horrible. As far as I remember they've always been like that. I've already made the year appointment hoping that I won't need it, but I'm sure that I will.
So, the question that keeps rambling in my head, what the hell is wrong with me?
Forrest Gump Got it Right.
He certainly did. The one time he baby dances (albeit unintentional) he creates a baby! Wow Hollywood makes it sound so easy!
I on the other hand, am making it very difficult. I've purchased the OPK kits, the BBT thermometer, charted, felt myself up in public, stuck my fingers in my hoo-hah to check cervix positions, blah blah blah....and yet here I am, babyless. Shouldn't this be easier?
Today is in that blah period after my period is over, waiting for ovulation, which btw I'm not even sure ever happens. My cycles are horribly displaced ranging from 29 days at the shortest, to 45 days at the longest. My temperatures never indicate ovulation, but of course I could be reading them wrong.
I don't even really feel like I am able to label myself as "infertile" and don't feel like I'm actually worthy to complain about the time it's taking. I've only been trying for 9 months and there are veterans out there that have been trying for years!
Ugh, the days leading up to the "you're supposed to be fertile" days suck.
I on the other hand, am making it very difficult. I've purchased the OPK kits, the BBT thermometer, charted, felt myself up in public, stuck my fingers in my hoo-hah to check cervix positions, blah blah blah....and yet here I am, babyless. Shouldn't this be easier?
Today is in that blah period after my period is over, waiting for ovulation, which btw I'm not even sure ever happens. My cycles are horribly displaced ranging from 29 days at the shortest, to 45 days at the longest. My temperatures never indicate ovulation, but of course I could be reading them wrong.
I don't even really feel like I am able to label myself as "infertile" and don't feel like I'm actually worthy to complain about the time it's taking. I've only been trying for 9 months and there are veterans out there that have been trying for years!
Ugh, the days leading up to the "you're supposed to be fertile" days suck.
Monday, May 16, 2011
I want patience NOW.
Over the past several months my husband, (we'll call him Red because of the fire head he had as a child) and I have been trying ever so diligently to conceive our first child. Obviously since I'm not on here ranting and raving about how much weight I've gained or morning sickness, it hasn't quite happened for us.
I was bit by the baby bug several months ago when my twinster (which is short for twin sister, for all you singletons) gave birth to the most adorable baby ever. I would've snatched him up and ran out of the hospital the first time I held him had he not had that pesky security bracelet on.
Later there will be posts about my difficulties getting pregnant but for now I wanted to introduce you to my small family that I hope will grow abundantly in the years to come. Red is in the Air Force, and I have all sorts of fun messing with government property. I am working on receiving my Master's in Business Administration, but for now have a good job that provides me with a flexible schedule and wonderful people to work with, one of whom, is pregnant. And yes, I must mention that because it seems as though everyone around me is having a baby.
I would adore your comments if you happen upon this blog. Otherwise it's as though I'm talking to myself, and we all know that isn't healthy. =)
I was bit by the baby bug several months ago when my twinster (which is short for twin sister, for all you singletons) gave birth to the most adorable baby ever. I would've snatched him up and ran out of the hospital the first time I held him had he not had that pesky security bracelet on.
Later there will be posts about my difficulties getting pregnant but for now I wanted to introduce you to my small family that I hope will grow abundantly in the years to come. Red is in the Air Force, and I have all sorts of fun messing with government property. I am working on receiving my Master's in Business Administration, but for now have a good job that provides me with a flexible schedule and wonderful people to work with, one of whom, is pregnant. And yes, I must mention that because it seems as though everyone around me is having a baby.
I would adore your comments if you happen upon this blog. Otherwise it's as though I'm talking to myself, and we all know that isn't healthy. =)
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