Wow. Someone tell me where the time warp came from?! I'm 8 DPO today and guess who showed up this afternoon? The demon herself, Aunt Flo. The day before yesterday there was what I thought was implantation bleeding because I have NEVER started my period in so few days, and it was so light I barely knew it was there. Then there was this afternoon. The cramping started and there she was full force. Who knew all my dignity was gone and I could be reduced to a crying mess stomping my feet in the office bathroom.
10 months, I know it's not a big deal to those who have been trying for years, but when is it going to be my turn? When am I going to feel whole again and stop referring to myself as "defective"? I'm tired of analyzing every twinge in my belly and staring at the toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom. Before I started trying to conceive I never would have believed I would be doing the crazy things I am now trying to have a baby.
My nephew said his first word yesterday, Momma. When will I have a beautiful little piece of myself and my husband that will look up at me with his or her eyes and KNOW that I love them unconditionally? My greatest fear is that my nephew will be it for me. He's beautiful and perfect in every way, but he's not mine.
My twin sister married my husband's first cousin and they do look very much alike, including the red hair as children. So as pathetic as it sounds, there is a baby in this world that looks a whole lot like what my MaybeBaby will look like and sometimes I pretend that he is ours. I love him as if he were, but oh my heart longs for my own.
My husband has stopped asking questions because he already knows the answer. Yes I tested, yes it was negative, yes you have to tonight, I don't care if you're tired. He really has been a trooper through all this and I'm so grateful to have him by my side. I know the world would be a much better place if there were more Reds around, which is why I'm trying to produce one of my own.
So, if anyone knows why my cycle only lasted the normal 28 days this time, please enlighten me. My past 9 cycles lasted 36, 34, 39, 44, 37, 33, 37, 35 and 40 days.
