Tangents

It's amazing the tracks your mind takes when you're stressed. Today while at work, obviously working very hard, I was browsing through blogs and normally I'll skip to the very first post. One blog caught my attention so I spent the next few minutes browsing and noticed that in one of the posts she found out she was pregnant. Of course! I thought to myself, everyone else is pregnant, why not some random person I found on the Internet. I continued to read thinking to myself how some people take for granted the miracles they are handed. Then I came to the post where she gave birth to a stillborn baby at 36 weeks. I felt about as tall as a Ritz cracker.

This woman had loved her child and carried her child for eight months in her body just to leave the hospital without her precious daughter in her arms. She linked to another website where I spent the next hour reading people's stories about the babies they had lost. It's all such a taboo subject and no one likes to talk about losing a baby or infertility.

And I am in no way, shape, or form trying to negate that these women hurt, and I mean they hurt like hell trying to overcome their loss. But for me every single month when I see that big fat negative, my heart sinks. I cry, I pray and then I have to get back up and oooh and aaahhh over every newborn baby I see, because to people who have never experienced infertility, I've never suffered a loss and my pain isn't proportional to what others go through.

I did, however, get the closest thing to a positive I've seen on my OPK today. So obviously, tonight Red and I will baby dance with less enthusiasm than we did a year ago. "Clinical and timed" just isn't as much fun as "middle of the day and spontaneous". Then comes the dreaded two week wait. Or it could be three weeks, maybe even four. My cycles are horribly irregular.